What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 03:45
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was seconnd youngest,
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
What did i know ?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She found it foreign!.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She was in good health!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Is it possible to become homeless after being released from jail or prison in the United States?
I was very sick at this time too.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
How do I identify fake friends in life?
Ive learnt so much.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I will be 64.
Would this be the day?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
I don,t even have a pension.
So whats the point in blame.
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And i lived it daily.
I said to her
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I couldn’t, believe it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But it wasn’t much.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He resisted the act ,that day.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My family never makes their pension either.
We all went to grammer schools
One cannot live in the past .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We were not on the streets..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She married twice! .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My life is so biszare .
I could never make a relationship work though!
I waited trembling.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Put me off passion for life!!
Who then, do I blame.?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
It was going to be , some day.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I have no regrets .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I write beautiful poetry .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
All the time i was locked up.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I never cut or harmed myself..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Was to survive, this bastard.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was 9 years of age.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was scared of men, in general
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I think the readers, may guess!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im still living with it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
When she asked me how she looked .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Comes on , in middle age.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But, we were locked up after school.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So, i spoilt her more .
He knew the spot.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As i do to all so called friends.?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She loved him until the end.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Especially a lifetime of it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She wouldn,t have been !
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
This is soul school!.